6 Home Remedies to Murder the Common Cold

Winter is approaching, the air is cool and crisp. People are bundling up and gathering around warm fires, sharing stories and goodwill. A lovely time for humanity to step back, take stock of the little things we have and be grateful. And what else do we share at this time of year the very most of all? Our horrible, nasty, evil diseases. From the Christmas cookies in the conference room to the handmade Hanukkah card from Aunt Sue, everything you touch today is absolutely encrusted with germs.

"But wait!" you think, "I'm too busy already, and I DO NOT have the time to get sick right now!"

Well your troubles are over because I, like any top-notch writer, have done the research for you. I have achieved the perfect winter cold (all in the name of science, of course) and am prepared to test every remedy any bored housewife can dream up. Why? To discover the true cure for the common cold! Science, my friend, SCIENCE!

Let's begin, shall we?


Remedy 1: Garlic, Ginger, Cinnamon, and Tumeric

If there's one thing that gets those rhinovirus bastards shaking in their boots, it's Indian food. Why? Well garlic, ginger, cinnamon, and tumeric are all recommended for easing the symptoms of a cold. Now don't get carried away, these ingredients aren't magic. Sure, some folks will try to tell you that tumeric has anti-inflammatory properties, or that garlic is a decent antiseptic. These people are swindlers and snake oil salesmen. The truth behind these fallacies is that colds absolutely hate deliciousness. Those little moments of joy we get from a single bite of tasty curry are like a thousand deaths to the germ armies invading your upper respiratory system. So give'em hell! Eat a curry, cure your cold!

Remedy 2: Lemon Juice, Honey, and Hot Water

The last I heard, this concoction was the reason Beyonce's fat ass isn't quite so fat anymore. I was pretty sure this mix had something to do with a Hollywood fad diet, the kind where you consume nothing but hot liquids and shame. Which leads us to the conclusion that the germs responsible for your cold are probably working with Hollywood to advance the anti-fat agenda. The Hollywood types will tell you that's ridiculous, and that the massive concentrations of Vitamin C are to blame for your increased desire to live another day. They'll even try to tell you that honey is a natural antibacterial agent and can soothe your throat after hours of trying to cough out your own lungs. But you know Hollywood can spin a story twenty two ways to Sunday, don't believe the hype! Colds hate fat. So eat another curry.

Remedy 3: Homemade Chicken Soup, Made By Mom

Well from our first experiment we already proved quite conclusively that colds hate tasty treats. Combine that with the power of a loving mother hovering over you day and night with tissues and vapor rubs and concerned looks at that tattoo she never noticed before, and those germs won't even know what hit them. When that liquid chicken goodness storms down your throat like Allied troops at Normandy, you can be sure those little germ Nazis are being exterminated once and for all. If your mother hasn't done so already, you may want to throw a little curry in your soup for extra effectiveness. Remember that having a cold is like waging war, and General Mom can't win alone! Think of her soup as your advancing troops, and the curry your best sniper. Play with a full deck and guarantee success.

Remedy 4: Over-The-Counter Cold 'Medicine'


Most OTC remedies rely on two things: your desperation to try absolutely anything to end this damn cold, and your ignorance of the restorative properties of a fine curry.  Many stores will have whole aisles stocked with treatments developed by doctors, teachers, scientist, probably a few that your crazy neighbor stuffed on the shelf while no one was looking. I have never trusted doctors, with their fancy white coats and sly code words. No, the only doctor for me is Pepper, because he doesn't make a buck off me when I get sick. Just imagine, if you were actually cured of your cold, those doctors would have to take a break and might realize they wasted the best drinking years of their lives studying. This kind of realization can lead to major breakdowns, and that's not the kind of person you want to trust will your well-being, is it? Most of the 'medicine' offered tends to leave you with side effects worse than the cold started out with, and you'll be lucky if you can perform simple tasks like driving yourself to the liquor store, or preparing another one of those delicious curries. Don't take the risk.



Remedy 5: Lay Low. Literally.

No one will suggest that having a cold is easy. The pressure in your sinuses make your head feel like a baked potato in a butter commercial. If only it could split open to release that steam and sweet, fluffy potato meats, you'd feel fine. But my legal team has banned me from recommending a butter knife to the face, so we're left having to discover our own ways to relieve the constant throbbing in our faces. Low altitudes can help decrease sinus pressure, so instead of flying to your weekend retreat in the Swiss Alps, consider a relaxing drive to somewhere sea level. Maybe you're still too whacked out on cold 'medicine' from Remedy 4 to drive, or too bloated from all that curry. I understand. In this case the best thing to do is to acquire a skateboard, sled, or perhaps a small wagon, lay down, and let yourself roll to the lowest point in town. This ensures the lowest face pressure around, and you're guaranteed to make some interesting new friends on the way! Be sure to share your new medical knowledge with them, as you have likely passed the plague on to most of the village at this point.

Remedy 6: Whiskey, Whiskey, Whiskey

While experts on natural cures often disagree on precisely what herbs cure colds, or how they do it, there is one single point on which they all agree: drink lots and lots of fluids. And is there any fluid better than whiskey? No. No there isn't. Bourbon and gin are acceptable substitutes, but real, true Irish whiskey will have you back on your feet, ready to attack the day, possibly with a knife. The proof of this remedy can be seen all around you! Have you ever met an Irish person with a cold? Me neither. That accent would sound ridiculous with even mild congestion.

I've been washing this curry down with whiskey for the majority of this article, and I gotta say I feel great. Proof positive that this one works. So it stands to reason that the more whiskey you drink, the deader your cold shall be. I think I'll stitch that on a sampler later.

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This post was originally written as a submission for another website, but I just liked it too much to send it away.
For actual medical advice from real trained professionals, try these tips:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/cold-remedies/ID00036