Giving Handmade

When it comes to gift giving I'm more a Jack Donaghy then a Liz Lemon. I spend hours distilling what I know about the recipient, divining the perfect gift to say how well I know them. A good gift is a reflection of the qualities you love in a person. Normally the thought of a gift card makes me feel lazy, but sometimes it's the perfect thing. This year one of my coworkers is a serious coffee addict, and I knew right away that a gift card for his favorite coffee shop was practically the only option. To make it personal, I made a cute gift card holder from materials you can find around the house. The best part? It's so easy to make, even Tracy Jordan could do it! So whatever you celebrate this time of year, make one of these gift card holders and give a gift your friends can cherish long after the balance on the card runs out!

You will need:

- old magazines, preferably something that reflects the interest of the recipient
- clear packing tape
- scissors
- a pen
- a ruler or measuring device (as you can see, I used a strip of cardboard!)


To make your gift card holder:

Step 1. Select the images you want to see on the front of your gift card holder. I chose this blue skeleton illustration by Andy Howell. For the back, a more abstract blue piece, and finally the black and white print for the inside. The interior is completely optional, but you'll need at least two pieces for the front and back. Look for themes and objects that remind you of the person you're making it for, or interesting textures, colors, and patterns.

Step 2. Once you have selected your magazine pages, it's time to measure your gift card.

You can use a ruler, but for me a straight strip of cardboard works just fine. Mark the width (W) and length (L) on your cardboard, or write your measurements on a separate piece of paper. Add 1/4 inch in either direction to allow enough room for your gift card to slide in and out easily. Use this measurement to cut out the rectangle for the back of your gift card sleeve. This rectangle will now be the template for your other four pieces.

 

Step 3. Gently lay strips of packing tape over the top of the cut out, being careful to avoid air bubbles or creases. Leave some tape overlapping the edges, then flip it over and repeat, sticking the tape to itself along the sides.

Repeat with each piece, and trim around edges leaving a small margin of tape, about 1/16th of an inch. Now you should have four (or two) laminated rectangles. Place the back of an outside piece against the back of an inside piece and repeat the process to create a rectangle with your design sealed in on both sides. 

Step 4. After carefully trimming these pieces, line them up for the last round of tape. Lay them on top of each other with the right sides out and begin the taping process one more time, but leave one edge free with no tape overlapping. This will become the opening for your gift card sleeve.

Seal the edges and trim one last time. As you trim each progressive layer, leave an additional 1/16th of an inch to make sure the tape has enough surface area to adhere to itself. If you accidentally trim through the tape, the layers will split apart. Just add another layer of tape until the sleeve is sealed on three sides and smooth around the edges. 

Step 5. Check your sleeve for holes, then insert your gift card! Spend your remaining craft time sitting in front of a mirror, practicing looking humble when your friend explodes with excitement at your gift presentation expertise.

Ta da! Now you have a sweet personalized way to give a gift card! And the best part? This sleeve can be reused as a credit card holder or wallet, making it a DOUBLE GIFT! Gee, aren't you thoughtful!!

Yes, Virginia, There Is A Santa Claus-- But Paypal Froze His Assets

I love Regretsy. There, I said it. In the crafting world it will make you friends and enemies faster than you can holster your glue gun. Sometimes mean, derisive, or just plain gross, Regretsy is the rebellious teenage brother to Etsy's nine-year-old-girl complex. While I adore the two websites equally, Etsy's official policy on most things comes in the form of 'la la la I can't hear you la la la', Regretsy drunkenly shouts admonishments from the rooftops. And for that I love them.

If you can't get behind Regretsy for Hellen Killer (April Winchell, the hilarious writer and voice of every cartoon character you've ever loved) and her army of fat, jealous losers (their term, not mine!) for their sense of humor, you have to appreciate them for their generosity. They cram charity into as many aspects of the site as possible. You can join April's Army to sell your crafts for various causes. They take requests from members in need for assistance, they encourage the dark recesses of the internet to sponsor kids on charity walks, they bring good people together and focus all that crazy into a vortex of snarky comments and genuine kindness.

This year the big-hearted jerks over there decided to throw a Secret Santa fundraiser, taking requests from members for kids in need and encouraging everyone who reads the blog to donate $2. Several thousands of donations later, the kids were getting the presents, the Regretsians were getting drunk, and everyone was happy as a lark. Then Paypal got wind of all the goodwill and joy that this fund was causing, and wanted to get in on the action. So they took the money. All of it. This is the point where everyone starts finding parallels between Paypal and the Grinch, so I'm not going to do that. You already did, I'm sure, because the situation would be downright funny if it weren't just so sad.

April tells the story far better than I do, so for further details I direct you to the Regretsy post detailing the whole affair.

As soon as this post went up, the internet exploded with outrage. Literally. I had to get a new monitor and everything. Paypal was berated all night long with outraged customers demanding this issue be resolved and shutting down accounts left and right. There are a lot of sneaky, sneaky things Paypal can get away with, but stealing toy money from poor children at Christmas? This one was just out of their league. Paypal wisely backed down with a quick and insincere apology, but a good point was brought up by one of the hundreds of commenters voicing their outrage: What about the little guy? This is a point that affects me directly. And scares me. What recourse would I have if MY account were frozen for attempting to better myself and others with charity? I don't have an army of cheeto-dust covered internet lawyers to screech my case all over Facebook*. Would Paypal be as receptive to my pleas, or would I end up on the wrong end of a short phone call with a terrible service rep?

So I add my tiny, fat, jealous, loser-ish voice to the chorus with this letter to Paypal:


To Whom It May Concern:


In light of the recent troubles with Regretsy and it's associated charity issues, I'm sure you have your hands full right now. Phones are probably ringing, henchmen getting canned, the CSRs are all being flogged in the dungeons for their mistakes. But you label this apology a 'Resolution', a term your company throws around quite loosely, and I would like to know exactly what is being resolved. Are you simply refunding the money, or will there be a significant policy change, as well as a dramatic overhaul of the Customer Service procedures? Will you be refunding the processing fees on top of your donation, or is that included?

I appreciate the prompt response to this issue, but it has the appearance of a hasty fix to save face, and lacks the feel of genuine remorse. I applaud you for admitting you were wrong, but do you still intend to make a profit off YOUR mistake? Any processing fees should be refunded (excluding those of the initial donation), because we know you're not the soulless monsters you appear to be, right?
In light of the current nation-wide corporate backlash, it's even more difficult to believe this is anything other than a clever play by marketing to show that, unlike other big companies, Paypal has a 'human' side. Will these policies be re-written, or made more available and clearly expressed to avoid future confusion? I often organize small charity drives among friends, nothing large and certainly nothing I can register as a non-profit, and had not used but considered Paypal donations as an option. Now I worry that this same situation could happen to me, and without a chorus of a thousand voices calling for resolution I can't imagine Paypal would be this responsive or remorseful. 

I fully understand that your privacy policy prevents you from going into details about this specific case. I respect that, and I'm glad you do, too. But let's talk about the public side of it, the major flaws in policy that have been brought to light. You're at a crossroads right now, and this seems like an easy decision: cut your losses, admit that your policies need to change, and make serious commitments to fairness and open business practices with more transparency of process. The other road, well, it's not as pretty. The climate of American business is shifting, and no matter which side you're on, it would be foolish to ignore the change completely. Raise this company to be an example of the new integrity-based American business model, or become a footnote on the Wikipedia page for this period in time.
Choose wisely, please. Because I like you. I really, really do. I like how convenient you are, I like that you're there when I need you. But I don't feel like I can trust you, and I think many of your customers feel the same way. Seize this moment as an opportunity to become the perfect example of the Good Big Business, before someone else does.

Thank you for your time,
Jennifer

This letter has also been posted to the Paypal Facebook page, the Paypal blog, and sent to Paypal in email form. Feel free to pass it along to Paypal yourself, or tell them how you feel about their current business model. This is an opportunity for a good change, and I hope they take it.

*To see some of the outrage for yourself, visit the Paypal Facebook page and click 'Everyone (Top Posts) to watch in real time. As of the time of this post, the rage fest was still in full effect. Remember, you DON'T have to 'like' the page to comment!

6 Home Remedies to Murder the Common Cold

Winter is approaching, the air is cool and crisp. People are bundling up and gathering around warm fires, sharing stories and goodwill. A lovely time for humanity to step back, take stock of the little things we have and be grateful. And what else do we share at this time of year the very most of all? Our horrible, nasty, evil diseases. From the Christmas cookies in the conference room to the handmade Hanukkah card from Aunt Sue, everything you touch today is absolutely encrusted with germs.

"But wait!" you think, "I'm too busy already, and I DO NOT have the time to get sick right now!"

Well your troubles are over because I, like any top-notch writer, have done the research for you. I have achieved the perfect winter cold (all in the name of science, of course) and am prepared to test every remedy any bored housewife can dream up. Why? To discover the true cure for the common cold! Science, my friend, SCIENCE!

Let's begin, shall we?


Remedy 1: Garlic, Ginger, Cinnamon, and Tumeric

If there's one thing that gets those rhinovirus bastards shaking in their boots, it's Indian food. Why? Well garlic, ginger, cinnamon, and tumeric are all recommended for easing the symptoms of a cold. Now don't get carried away, these ingredients aren't magic. Sure, some folks will try to tell you that tumeric has anti-inflammatory properties, or that garlic is a decent antiseptic. These people are swindlers and snake oil salesmen. The truth behind these fallacies is that colds absolutely hate deliciousness. Those little moments of joy we get from a single bite of tasty curry are like a thousand deaths to the germ armies invading your upper respiratory system. So give'em hell! Eat a curry, cure your cold!

Remedy 2: Lemon Juice, Honey, and Hot Water

The last I heard, this concoction was the reason Beyonce's fat ass isn't quite so fat anymore. I was pretty sure this mix had something to do with a Hollywood fad diet, the kind where you consume nothing but hot liquids and shame. Which leads us to the conclusion that the germs responsible for your cold are probably working with Hollywood to advance the anti-fat agenda. The Hollywood types will tell you that's ridiculous, and that the massive concentrations of Vitamin C are to blame for your increased desire to live another day. They'll even try to tell you that honey is a natural antibacterial agent and can soothe your throat after hours of trying to cough out your own lungs. But you know Hollywood can spin a story twenty two ways to Sunday, don't believe the hype! Colds hate fat. So eat another curry.

Remedy 3: Homemade Chicken Soup, Made By Mom

Well from our first experiment we already proved quite conclusively that colds hate tasty treats. Combine that with the power of a loving mother hovering over you day and night with tissues and vapor rubs and concerned looks at that tattoo she never noticed before, and those germs won't even know what hit them. When that liquid chicken goodness storms down your throat like Allied troops at Normandy, you can be sure those little germ Nazis are being exterminated once and for all. If your mother hasn't done so already, you may want to throw a little curry in your soup for extra effectiveness. Remember that having a cold is like waging war, and General Mom can't win alone! Think of her soup as your advancing troops, and the curry your best sniper. Play with a full deck and guarantee success.

Remedy 4: Over-The-Counter Cold 'Medicine'


Most OTC remedies rely on two things: your desperation to try absolutely anything to end this damn cold, and your ignorance of the restorative properties of a fine curry.  Many stores will have whole aisles stocked with treatments developed by doctors, teachers, scientist, probably a few that your crazy neighbor stuffed on the shelf while no one was looking. I have never trusted doctors, with their fancy white coats and sly code words. No, the only doctor for me is Pepper, because he doesn't make a buck off me when I get sick. Just imagine, if you were actually cured of your cold, those doctors would have to take a break and might realize they wasted the best drinking years of their lives studying. This kind of realization can lead to major breakdowns, and that's not the kind of person you want to trust will your well-being, is it? Most of the 'medicine' offered tends to leave you with side effects worse than the cold started out with, and you'll be lucky if you can perform simple tasks like driving yourself to the liquor store, or preparing another one of those delicious curries. Don't take the risk.



Remedy 5: Lay Low. Literally.

No one will suggest that having a cold is easy. The pressure in your sinuses make your head feel like a baked potato in a butter commercial. If only it could split open to release that steam and sweet, fluffy potato meats, you'd feel fine. But my legal team has banned me from recommending a butter knife to the face, so we're left having to discover our own ways to relieve the constant throbbing in our faces. Low altitudes can help decrease sinus pressure, so instead of flying to your weekend retreat in the Swiss Alps, consider a relaxing drive to somewhere sea level. Maybe you're still too whacked out on cold 'medicine' from Remedy 4 to drive, or too bloated from all that curry. I understand. In this case the best thing to do is to acquire a skateboard, sled, or perhaps a small wagon, lay down, and let yourself roll to the lowest point in town. This ensures the lowest face pressure around, and you're guaranteed to make some interesting new friends on the way! Be sure to share your new medical knowledge with them, as you have likely passed the plague on to most of the village at this point.

Remedy 6: Whiskey, Whiskey, Whiskey

While experts on natural cures often disagree on precisely what herbs cure colds, or how they do it, there is one single point on which they all agree: drink lots and lots of fluids. And is there any fluid better than whiskey? No. No there isn't. Bourbon and gin are acceptable substitutes, but real, true Irish whiskey will have you back on your feet, ready to attack the day, possibly with a knife. The proof of this remedy can be seen all around you! Have you ever met an Irish person with a cold? Me neither. That accent would sound ridiculous with even mild congestion.

I've been washing this curry down with whiskey for the majority of this article, and I gotta say I feel great. Proof positive that this one works. So it stands to reason that the more whiskey you drink, the deader your cold shall be. I think I'll stitch that on a sampler later.

***
This post was originally written as a submission for another website, but I just liked it too much to send it away.
For actual medical advice from real trained professionals, try these tips:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/cold-remedies/ID00036

Ahhhh, the weekend. A time to relax, to renew. A time for quiet contemplation, a time to recharge for the week ahead. I, of course, did none of those things. I dove into this weekend headfirst, because this past weekend was Supermegafest in Framingham, MA. This small-but-proud gathering of all things fandom drew us in like a mosquito to a bug zapper, and at 6 o'clock Saturday morning we leapt out of bed, watched our favorite episode of Star Trek*, and headed off to the convention center.

Comic book conventions run in my blood. I started attending with my father just as soon as I could walk, back in the days when most were nothing more than a few middle-aged guys renting a conference room to trade books and argue whether the Kessel run can truly be measured in parsecs.** But in the last 20 years the Convention has grown into a behemoth encapsulating every piece of pop culture a person could possibly imagine. In keeping with tradition, Ryan and I went with my father and helped a friend of his to run a comic book booth. This meant one important thing to us: dealer passes. We got to rummage around the sales booths over an hour before the rooms officially opened to pillage the loot to our hearts desire. We met Tia Carrere and Sala Baker, sufficiently embarrassed ourselves to each one, and collected their autographs. Our favorite movies are Wayne's World and Lord of The Rings, respectively, so by the time the doors opened we had already achieved 60% of our goals for the day. Almost.

Once the doors had opened, the real insanity commenced. My favorite part of a convention is always the attendees. The costumes, the social awkwardness, the unrecognizable aromas, the furious devotion. Some costumes were amazing, some were terrible, some were completely unidentifiable, and some were just sad. But none have ever stolen my heart like Mr.T. Not the real Mr.T., mind you. Convention Mr.T. He attends public events dressed as Mr.T., takes photos with people, shakes hands, gives hugs, and does it all in character all day long. Just for the hell of it. I had to get a picture with him, if only to take a small piece of that enthusiasm home.

 I intend to hire him as my life coach.

The main event for us was still to come. The Q&A panel with Sir Patrick Stewart! We met up with our friend Shane, grabbed our tickets, and started queuing over an hour before the doors opened. When they finally let us in I was shocked by how small the room was. I have failed college classes larger than the attendance allowed. It was amazing. 

You have every right to be that smug, You're Captain Picard AND Prof. X. Work it. 

He came out and casually talked about the weather, fruit, and how his homemade jams are coming along this season. A few times he looked me right in the eye! Or maybe the cleavage. I wasn't leaning out into that aisle for nothing. He took a few questions, gave some amazing  'typical Patrick Stewart' type answers, and showed off his incredibly buff 71 year old arms. He hasn't aged since 1966.

After 13 hours of fans, sweat, toys, comic books, too much coffee and junk food, celebrities, and  a thousand blurry pictures of Patrick Stewart, we were exhausted. Most cons end with a party in the hotel bar, and this one had a free concert, too. We were a little too wiped out to go party, but we got some first class people-watching in from the couch near the bar. And I'll always have Mr.T. 

 Oh, and this happened. You figure it out. 

See ya next year, nerds!

*It's TNG Ep. 101 "Darkmok"  

**It can't. Anyone who says it can is a George Lucas sympathizer or scientifically illiterate.

It's On The Tip of My Tongue...

We all know you're brilliant. You're reading this blog, which is incontrovertible proof. But some days your brain just refuses to cooperate. A friend or coworker asks you a simple question and you prepare a stunningly witty response, but somewhere between your genius muscle and your talky parts... well you just can't find the right word. It's right on the tip of your tongue... whatever it is. We've all been there.

There are several traditional remedies for the serious ailment known as brain farts. You could spend hours on end reading the dictionary cover to cover. Tattoo a list of words on your arm Momento-style. Or install a picture window directly in your forehead to let people see your thoughts without your clumsy lips getting in the way. But if you ask me, the easiest way to prevent cerebral-oral interface failure is by playing vocabulary builder games like Word Dynamo on dictionary.com. Warm up with a few high school level rounds, then challenge yourself with the 12+ levels. For best results our certified Brainologists* recommend playing at least once per week.

*We don't have any certified brainologists. We're pretty sure that doesn't exist. Apologies to any real brainologists reading, you are the real heroes.

Pillow Party

Today let's make a pillowcase! This ruffled pillow tutorial comes from NatalieCreations and it's easier to make than it looks! If you want to just make a pillow (not a case for a pre-existing pillowform) just cut 3 even squares of fabric. Follow the directions for the front as show, and stitch around 3 sides, leaving the 'bottom' open. In this case, there is no right or wrong way, just decide how you like the pillow to sit. Once you have chosen which is the bottom side, sew up 3/4 of the seam, leaving 1/4 of the total length open. Turn your pillow inside out and stuff with polyfil or some other lovely fluffy stuff. You can also throw a handful of dried lavender, or a few chamomile tea bags to make a scented pillow. Then hand stitch the hole closed, and cuddle up with your new pillow.

Try experimenting with different types of fabric, extra layers, contrasting colors and textures, or changing the direction of the lines to make new patterns. Gift budgets are tight this year, but this pillow is an easy way to give everyone on your list the gift of sweet dreams.